#33. Diwali thru the years, Oct 2024

Bitter experiences, sweet experiences, and creating new traditions.

Diwali 2014

I lean into the celebrations. My full-time job is to put up decor and draw elaborate Rangoli. I am looking forward to celebrating after spending past few years studying for Exams during the Diwali holidays. I am hopping and jumping and my mood is super chirpy. I am glad I am free from the hell hole that was my Engineering College and glad to be adulting - spending money without hesitation, and enjoying life without unwarranted anxiety.

Diwali 2015

I travel to my grandma’s to celebrate Diwali. I spend time with cousins, shooting funny videos on Dubsmash ( remember, anyone?). Everyone tells me that this maybe the last Diwali we are all celebrating together, hinting that I may soon get married and be whisked away. I cringe. I throw a tantrum, so much for calling myself an adult the past year.

Diwali 2016

It’s my first year living in the States, and I’m thrilled to host a Diwali party with my flatmates. We invite a few friends over and have a great time. “I’m in charge of the vibes,” I joke with everyone. I’m my usual chatty self, eager to talk to people and make everyone feel comfortable. Living in a new country doesn’t even feel strange. The next day, I’m tagged in a few group photos on social media. I’m that person—the one whose entire personality has become a newly minted NRI. I scoff a little. I feel proud a little.

Diwali 2017

I have no recollection of how I spent that year. It was the second year of graduate school, and I have a feeling I spent it in pajamas, drowning in assignments and coursework. I didn’t have time to celebrate—it was, unfortunately, just another day.

Diwali 2018

I return home early from work. I and my flatmates have plans, I tell my friend over a phone call. Nobody else is excited about Diwali other than me. My flatmates have forgotten about this plan and I feel disheartened. I tell myself not to take them seriously either. No expectations cause no disappointments. Diwali turned out to be a toos pataki ( a Kannada slang that translates into a firecracker that has been lit, but doesn’t explode).

Diwali 2019

I am tired of feeling homesick at this point. I take an anti-Diwali stand instead. I want to sit this one out. I generously mute all the influencers with her pretty faces, and happy smiles, posing with each other.

I dress up and do a video call home instead.

Diwali 2020

I spent the entire day purposefully off social media. I wasn’t in the mood to feel terrible after seeing photos of people celebrating with their families. I’d seen enough of that—when lockdown hit, people moved in with their loved ones, grateful to be together. It made me jealous. I envied how, in the middle of a pandemic, some had found a silver lining that I couldn’t. My own circumstances kept me from taking a cross-continent flight to be home.

I prepared for this day in advance: got my 10,000 steps in and spent hours watching YouTube, jumping from one video to the next. By 8:30, my flatmate returned, finding me on the couch. I looked up to see her in traditional Indian attire, holding what looked like a box of sweets. My stomach sank.

Had she gone to a Diwali party without inviting me?

I would never do that to anyone, I told myself, fighting back angry tears.

I ate a bowl of kheer I’d prepared alone, allowing myself this indulgence after months of avoiding sugar and refined carbs.

“Happy Diwali,” I replied to everyone on WhatsApp.

Diwali 2021

My best friend and I slump on the couch after a heavy meal. Together, we made holige (also known as obattu, puran poli, or simply poli), carefully churning the chana dal filling and patting the dough by hand into perfect rounds. We had other accompaniments too—a side of kosambari (which my friend’s partner casually called salad), poori with saagu, white rice with holige saaru, and curd rice with a mustard tempering. Later that evening, I slip on my winter jacket and step outside to light sparklers. For the decor, we have put up Thorana ( Mango leaves that we sourced from the Indian store) and plenty of Diyas all around. In the evening, we do a little Lakshmi Puja, singing Lakshmi Aarti, and feeling wholesome.

"Making my little traditions," I write in my journal later that night.

I feel grateful for the company, however small.

Diwali 2022

One of my best friends visits me from the Midwest. Her birthday coincides with Diwali, and I didn’t want her to spend it alone. I take her around town; she’s my family away from family. Another friend joins us for a sleepover, and we talk until four in the morning. I’m left with a warm feeling, surrounded by good vibes. I’ve created my own ways of celebrating festivals in the U.S., and spending time with friends is one of them.

Diwali 2023

I attend a Diwali Party thrown by my friends. Technically, they are friends of a friend. Later that night, while playing board games, I finally understand the rules of the game, and play intentionally. You know when you don’t zone out when the rules are explained, and fully understand right from game zero. Yeah, that!

Did I have beginner’s luck and end up winning ? We will never know.

Diwali 2024

Three days ago, I emptied my makeup vanity kit and gave it a good wash. I dusted the windows, all the grim-covered corners of my table, and every nook and corner of the wardrobe. My mom was in the kitchen, doing the same cleaning, unloading all the dabbas from the shelves, emptying them, giving them a wash, and letting them dry. She has her back to me, but she appears small to me, shrunken in frame, like a tiny bird. I haven’t been prepared for this - for my parents to age in front of me, so visibly, so soon. There is a dull pull in the middle of my chest when I see her like this. I wasn’t prepared for this, I tell myself.

But, I am at home this year. We were all at home this year :) I smile weakly.

Photo by Picnu on Unsplash

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