Hello!
With December around the corner, it is time to take stock of the year that passed by, which may not be as easy as one would like to think. For me, it was truly the year when I did less number of things. I consciously reduced the pool of activities that I would do and felt liberated by its prospects. I did the same 4-5 things that came easily to me and cared less about staying relevant. Thank God for that, or else you would have been subjected to atrocious ‘Reels’ by me spewing off toxic positivity content- meticulously staged and produced for an audience that knows very little about me IRL.
Reading Corner
I came across Manu S Pillai’s Rebel Sultans when I hit a reading slump. Just as I was beginning to feel reading to be a chore, Rebel Sultans- an accurate, well-researched history about some of South India’s emperors, came through and recharged my interest. Written in colorful language, Rebel Sultans talks about Muslim rulers in the South, who had significant cultural differences from the Mughals. The Chapters are action-packed, fast, and riveting.
Some of my favorite quotes are
The Deccan, to the world, was uniquely Indian; to India, however it was a mirror of the world.
To some it was a kingdom of tantalizing treasures and marvellous opportunity; to others, however, the Deccan became also something more sinister.
Writing Corner
Ronald Roy is an ongoing series that I write in the Writing Corner every month. To read previous episodes, click here.
Episode 4
I began seeing a therapist after he left for a trip to London, which had left me visibly disturbed for days.
“So, what brings you here?”, my therapist asked.
“My husband is in London. He said he was packing for an upcoming trip, but I didn’t know it was to London.” I said, in a small voice, avoiding eye contact with her. I had dressed up in my beige sweater, a piece of clothing that had remained with me from the days before I had known Ronald. I resorted to wearing this sweater when I would feel low. The sweater was my comfort zone, it was old, and had seen me at my worst. It was still here, still soft, still offering comfort.
“And why is it bothering you that he is in London”, she asked trying to understand the context.
Because he is always doing this to me! My mind was exploding with this statement. It was hard for me to articulate why my feelings were in the neighborhood of deceit and betrayal. It was hard for me to understand why I was feeling this way.
“Because I get to know about it through social media. It seemed like he didn’t want to share it with me.” I said my tone flat. I was doing everything that I could to remain calm and composed but I could feel my cheeks burning. The truth was, it wasn’t the first time he had done something like this. It wasn’t the first time I was learning about his lying habits.
“I went to school in London. I did my BA at St.Xavier’s in Mumbai, and went to study my Masters in London.” I offered some more background.
“Oh so you have been to London before?” she replied.
“Yeah. Lived there for 5 years before coming back here. I am attached to London. I wanted to show London to me through my eyes, give him an insider view into life there, I have so many stories from there.” I was saying all this really fast, and my hands that were lying lifeless on my belly, had suddenly found life.
Now he has ruined London for me.” I said, folding my hands, and slumping my back on the couch. I was angry at Ronald. At everyone else. Saying it out loud felt good.
“I can understand why that would bother you,” she said.
Thank God! I thought to myself. She wasn’t going to lecture me about the importance of giving space as my friends had. A couple of months ago, I brought up the topic of work with him. I still didn’t fully understand what he did for a living and asked him to tell me more about it.
“You won’t understand. It is complicated.” he had responded defensively. When I shared about his defensive reaction with Komal, she also dismissed my concerns.
“Arrey, he is doing well for himself. Why are you nagging him to talk about work. Give him space. Give him space”, she had advised. ‘Give him space’ was the response to all the relationship problems I shared with her. Clearly she hadn’t been helpful. I doubted if she cared even. Komal, much like Nirupama ( and perhaps Ronald) wasn’t too concerned about how others made money for their living. I doubted if she knew what he did herself. Maybe this was her attempt to hide the fact that she didn’t know him too well after all.
I began feeling relieved at having shared this feeling with someone other than Komal, or Das, people who had an equal stake in both my and Ronald’s life. I was relieved at hearing that someone understood what I was going through. I looked at my therapist, not knowing if the relief was shown on my face. I let the silence continue to linger between us. My mind was also quiet for a while, not replaying conversations between me and Ron, looking for evidence of his shady behaviour.
I hoped after seeing a therapist I would know how I could stop Ronald from overtaking my life. I wanted to revert to the version of myself that I was before, much before.
Click here to read the next episode.
Learning Corner
Some interesting things that I found on the internet
Lounge Corner
For all the Murakami Fans!
Office Hours
Starting January, I would be holding office hours where you can book a time for a 1-1 meeting with me if you would like me to help you with writing something, proofreading an essay, or need another pair of eyes to get creative feedback.
So, don’t hesitate to speak with me!
Happy Holidays!
Pratiksha