Hi !
I am writing to you from summery California, where I spent a good part of the season looking for light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, forgetting to live the moment, allowing days to glue together, one merging into the next seamlessly. Noticeably, I am on a break from writing here due to some setbacks- life events I am experiencing for the first time, and events I had no control over. While a comeback post would be brimming with positivity and life, I feel far removed from it, so here’s a slow crawling post giving you an update instead.
Reading Corner
I came across Ross Gay’s A Book of Delights, many years ago when it had just come out. I have been a fan of his work, after reading some of them in The New York Times.
A Book Of Delights has some of the nicest short stories I have come across. They are light and breezy, each one flowing into the next. For someone like me, who is not currently feeling like getting into the deep ends with a book, it can provide a quick refresher, a change in the headspace. A hope for the day.
Writing Corner
Ronald Roy is an ongoing series on TOAT.
Click here to read the previous episode.
To read the first episode, click here.
Who was this guy ?
The day I told Ronald that I was leaving, was literally the day I left him. As I packed my clothes, and grabbed my personal items, I could hear him screaming, calling me mad for imagining things. I had spent a good part of my married life, questioning my own sanity, thanks to Ronald. Ronald, who could never be wrong, Ronald who always pointed that my feelings were inaccurate, Ronald who twisted his truth the way he deemed fit. He always had a quote ready, a man with a never-ending list of platitudes, to back his stand. He held a moral high ground, and built a foundation constantly questioning my version of truth.
He made himself the center of the universe and sucked every living energy out of me.
As I closed the door behind me, I felt a sigh of relief. He was no longer going to be my problem.
Sentiment would have told me to take one last look at the house - my home, our home, a home where I wanted to be accepted as an equal, a place where I could be myself. But, I didn’t. No last looks were necessary. Not today. I was feeling lesser and lesser conflicted about what I was doing as I walked up to my car. I don’t need this any more, I told myself.
Before I knew it, I was driving away from that place. Away from him.
I began driving to my parents house the same evening after I told Ronald that I was leaving him. On the way, as I drove to the countryside, I couldn’t help but wonder how my life had taken a shape for the worst? I had been a good person my whole life. Why was I given this ? My therapist had tried to indicate that our problematic patterns often have roots in our childhood. But that wasn’t true. Why didn’t therapists have more nuanced answers and approaches to our emotional problems ? In this case, it was clear. The problem was with Ronald withholding love from me, from his wife, and indulging in power games. He was a horrible person. End of story. But my therapist had sought to ask me about my childhood and my trauma responses. There was no trauma, and hence no response. Ronald was an asshole, how difficult was getting to this conclusion?
If there was any trauma, it was in Ronald’s past. He was estranged from his family, and he had not told it to me until the day after we were engaged. Looking back, I now realize how little I knew of him at the time of our engagement. What was I getting myself into? How could I be so smitten that I had overlooked where he came from?
At that moment, I hated myself. I hated how I had jumped on trying to seek his validation from the time I had met him. I am ashamed at how much it had mattered to me all these years.
I couldn’t care less about him anymore. I wanted my sanity back. I lowered the window, and felt the fresh air fill up my lungs.
I took a deep inhale, it had rained somewhere. I wanted to feel like myself again.
Learning Corner
Some interesting things that I found on the internet
Lounge Corner
What is the secret to Happiness?
Thank you all for reading!
Pratiksha
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